Dear Luv Doc,
Every time me and my roommate go out to the clubs to meet women, he is always a downer. All he does is complain. He never wants to try and meet women even though he is a decent-looking guy with a good job. When I do manage to start up a conversation with some woman, he always manages to spoil it with his negativity by saying that the music is too loud or the people are too obnoxious or the drinks are too expensive. He is messing up my game. What should I do? Make him wait in the car?
Sometimes, Bently, our greatest weakness is our greatest strength. Perhaps your kryptonite roommate is a divine intervention, there to slow your roll. I think we can both agree that you would totes be crushing it if it weren’t for Droopy Dog, but is that really what you want? Do you really want women to swarm all over you like bees to honey? Do you want to wake up every morning completely drained in the apartment of some supermodel you just met the night before?
That’s a losing game, Bently. I mean … sure, you could probably keep that up for a decade or so —at least until you’re riddled with herpes or until your knees finally give out from all the bearskin rug burns. But eventually you’re going to want to take off the training wheels and take real love for a spin, and then where will you be? Riding a barstool in a skeezy singles bar like some sort of leathery skinned Ted Danson? Guess what? Your choices are Shelley Long and Kirstie Alley. Enjoy the buffet.
Unlike leathery Ted, you have an ace in the hole. Your roommate is the perfect nagging mother-in-law voice of self-doubt to temper your optimism. Why would you want to leave him in the car? Why would you want to waste his talents? There is an old adage that says, “A faith untested is no faith at all”—something like that at least. Maybe your roommate is providing a valuable reality check on your player status.
Even though I have never personally witnessed your game (and I am sure it is majestic), I get the feeling you’re maybe using your friend as an excuse for your failures as a baller. If you want to be a true champion, you have to put your team on your shoulders like Bron Bron. You have to elevate the level of play. Your success could very well be the inspiration your roommate needs to start crushing it himself.
So grab a table and some bottle service and get busy. Or … maybe just take yourself and your roommate out of the game entirely. Change the venue completely. Now, I am not saying that you don’t have sick moves on the dance floor or that you can’t pound more than your share of Buttery Nipples.. That seems fairly obvious to me, but you might also consider some of your other talents as well.
My guess is that you’re a bit of a sportsman. Why not try joining a co-ed kegball team? Or maybe put your dope carpentry skills to work with Habitat for Humanity? How about taking Droopy Dog to trivia night? Everybody loves a loser, especially when the loser is their opponent. Or you could try your luck at online dating. Maybe get your roomie to try it first, sort of like throwing chum in the water for sharks. If he scores, maybe you can date his girlfriend’s friend. If he doesn’t, well, you still have your sick dance moves, right?